But do you really know? I don't.

Relationships, friendships, people are complicated. I'm complex. We all are. I can't even fully figure myself out let alone the people I'm closest to. I subconsciously interact in my relationships out of my experiences, assumptions and suspicions. So I guess it's all somewhat reactive. I consciously interact in my relationships based on basic biblical principals like "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". That usually helps me land in a pretty healthy place. But the older I've gotten the easier it's gotten for me to pull away out of self protection because while that principal is so good I tend to reverse analyze how people are around me and make assumptions. So in my head I think I would not be like that or say that to someone, therefore, since they did this they must not care or they had to make a conscious decision to be hurtful or they are mad at me and so on...big eye roll because I don't love that this is the natural bent of my thought patterns.

But my word for the year has been grace. It's simple and common, but for me it's been defining the depth of my relationships. I'm having to restructure my thought patterns by not allowing my first thought to be negative. It's literally having to make room for new neural pathways in my brain. I have this picture of trenches that are dug for water to naturally flow, but as new trenches are built the dirt from those fill in the old ones. So rather than veering off on that easy natural pathway I'm working on taking that hard right turn forcing a new path that starts off sludgy, but the more I take that road less traveled the smoother it becomes.

For example when I'm in a group of people and someone is talking I try to listen and respond by looking at them, not getting distracted, nodding, offering a "mmhmm", etc. So when I'm sharing and someone cuts me off or gives zero response I immediately hear "you're boring, uninteresting or they don't care." Not saying I have this perfected by any stretch, but when I'm listening I do try to be aware to the point that if we get interrupted I try to go back to "Now, what were you saying?" or follow up with a question. So when I'm the one sharing and there's no response or there is interruption my hard right turn has to be that this other person is not me. They think differently than I do. They might be distracted, but don't assume it's because I'm uninteresting. Release it. Let it go. Don't replay a hundred times.

Or I'm big on apology. It means the world to me. It's so silly, but even if something is non-intentional or accidental an apology just immediately removes any hurt or frustration. If apologizing was a love language I think it'd be right up there for me with acts of service. But I'll admit I'm an over-apologizer. It can be annoying for my people. But on the flip side when a wrong has been made and no apology is offered my natural first thought is "they just don't care" or "rude!". I have to step back and understand not everyone is an over thinker like I am. So like the other day Jason was driving. I was in the passenger seat. He veered towards the side lane. I gasped and hollered, "Watch out!". It scared me to death because there was another vehicle right there (I'll admit I've hit three deer this year so I can't criticize anyones driving. Another story for another day). And he kept driving silently. My response in a moment like that would be, "Oh my gosh! so sorry!", but his is not. That doesn't mean he doesn't care. So my hard right turn has to be that he isn't me. He thinks differently than I do. We value different responses. I would hope he would have grace for me too as my freak out, throwing my hand on the dashboard to brace myself from nothing in his opinion was not a response like he would have in a moment like that. Also, for the record...I did. say, "you should say you're sorry." Like I said--I'm working on it. I don't have it perfected.

As an over thinker the down side is such a bummer place to get stuck in. It causes insecurities when I project onto others what I think their intentions are. I believe that's a form of judging. Ugh! yuck! I can't know what a person's intentions are. I can deduct from past experiences with that person or wonder from my own heart-intentions what their words or behavior came out of. But my best and most beneficial approach has to be assuming the best. It has to be. In order for me to live in freedom, to even have grace for myself I have to assume the best of others, and let it go. 

It's a bit ironic really..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I can easily apply that to  judging a person's heart and motive towards me, but flip it around...I so hope that others are having grace towards me by assuming the best of my responses or lack of rather than assuming based on how they think and process. 

I have high discernment, and as much as that has protected me and the people I love I'm so aware of the down side of that. I don't want to ever stop growing. This is a learning curve for me--to be grateful for that discernment, but to filter it through love and grace. This doesn't mean I should just trust everyone, but it does mean I can always show grace. I can live with the heart of forgiveness. I choose to forgo the negative assumptions and give grace enough to assume the benefit if there's any doubt. 

In what relationships can you work on this? For me, it can be literally every encounter with another human. Actually with God also, trusting that His heart is always good towards me is a really good place to start. 

1 Corinthians 13 Love assumes the best.