Here's to 50

Was it really that many decades ago that my sister and I were pretending to be "Charlie's Angels" in our basement?  50. It seems so old, but I feel so young...usually. The 50 year old me still feels like the 12 year old me that would ride my bike to the swimming pond with my brother and sister trying to balance an air mattress under one arm with a towel draped around my neck. Yet here I am married for 27 years, 5 kids from 12-25. I've reflected a lot. What do I regret? What do I want to change? What are those memories I'd love to go sit in just a little bit longer? My life has been so good. It's light and heavy, sad and happy, stressful and free, scary and adventurous. So hard on some days and so simple on others. But I find myself constantly saying that I really love my life.

I've been taking time to write out memories starting from my very first where my mom's friend, Susie Barrett, taught me to drink out of a straw. We were at a restaurant, and I was sitting in a high chair. The journey through my memories have unlocked all sorts of good and sad. Like that 18 year old new freshman so far from home, trying to bust her butt in volleyball the week before all the rest of the freshman showed up...who in one moment didn't ever think insecure thoughts about body image to all of the sudden being introduced to that devilish scheme to preoccupy my mind with one comment from an upper-classman jock. "A moment on the lips forever on the hips. You know you're going to gain that freshman 15, right?" I wish my now 50 year old self could be in that moment with my 18 year old self. I wish I could've fought off that thought attempting to make a deep new neural pathway that became a bombarding and pestering barrage through the years. I would tell myself what so many women say that reach my age, "So much wasted brain space trying to become perfect when we are perfectly made. It's so not what matters. Love your body. Be free. Live free. Healthy balance. No one will say at your funeral one day what a great body you had. They will talk about who you are, what you made them feel, how you loved them. Quit fighting that battle."

As I wrote out the memories I was reminded of my very average athletic and musical abilities. I felt like those were two major identity categories that I wrestled with. They trickled into so many areas, whispering "you really aren't great at anything". But I will never forget reading through John. My girls were pretty little, and the feelings of "I'm JUST a mom" became the thing that Satan used to try to make me just feel so less than. As I read about who Jesus was and is He began to show me that He was never recognized for any great talent or gifting other than loving people. It's where my thinking began to transform. Nothing and no one could take away my ability to love. I look back from decade to decade, year to year, day to day and know that I'm not that same person I was even a year ago. As I've leaned into what that looks like to love like Jesus I have not done it perfectly, I've stumbled, I've even probably hurt people, but my heart is to keep growing into that daughter that God wants me to be...representing HIM, being His smile, His hug, His truth (even if it's awkward), His heart, His tears. Striving to be more like Jesus. I want to draw people to His heart because He is peace, He is love, He is joy-at the heart of every belly laugh, He is healing, He is our friend. He is everything.

My 50 year old declaration: I will be about who God has called me to be, caring primarily what HE thinks of me and what He values. I love beauty, style, fashion and design, but when it becomes consuming it becomes a noose. I can either fight it (aging) or love it, and I've felt the freedom that comes in loving my age, and just being thankful that I have the good health that I have. I will continue to exercise because it's always been the medicine for my mind. I will continue to pour into my family. I will attempt to engage each one of my kids in their love language and their hobbies regardless of age or attitude. I will especially continue to make my marriage a prioirity because he is the one I will be growing old daily with and making memories with. I will embrace the difficult things, growing from them, laughing without fear of the future because I trust the one who wrote it. I will be a person of grace. If you've hurt me I forgive you. If I've messed up I won't beat myself up, but I'll grow, make amends the best I can and move on. I refuse to get caught in the prison of overthinking. I will surrender those moments to God, and choose freedom. I will dance. I will love hard. I will not become idle. I will be on mission. I will continue to build a legacy by prioritizing God everyday. I will start each day asking God, "What do you have for me today? What do you want to teach me today? Am I missing anything? Who can I encourage?".  I'm His. 

I can't wait to watch this next decade unfold. What a privilege it is to be me. That may sound weird... Almost arrogant, but it's not. It's me going nose to nose with the culture that tells me I'm not good enough that I shouldn't be content. It's me rejecting the lies of the enemy, and looking into the eyes of my creator and believing Him when he says I'm fearfully and wonderfully made, that He has a perfect plan specifically for me that began the day I was born and ends not a second earlier than the day I die.

So raise your glasses with me and toast to making 50's the greatest decade yet. This is going to be fun!