This is a Move

The pit in my gut is one that just lingers, and I guess it will for a while.  I got up, had a short quiet time, made sure everyone had what they needed and then took the boys to school.  I have felt so heavy for Josh because with his delays he gets lost in his class sometimes.  It's no fault of the teacher's.  He thinks slower and processes slower and speaks slower.  He doesn't like to read out loud because he hears that everyone reads better than he does.  He has one friend that plays with him sometimes at recess, but otherwise unless Caleb plays with him, he is on the outside.  And I get it.  When I was little, I wanted to play with kids who were like me and could keep up in conversations.  All we know to do is smother him with love and affection, pray, affirm and spend as much quality time with Josh as we can.  I left the school praying for God to surround the boys, but specifically to draw Joshua out, to unlock his brain, to guard his heart and draw Josh to himself.

I went to the Y.  Going to the bigger Y in Grand Rapids is easier to stay in my own world.  I just don't want to see someone and start crying if they ask about my mom.  Working out usually helps my mental disposition more than anything, but today I got done working out, and could barely keep from crying.  I went to the locker room and just wept in the bathroom and felt stuck in there because I couldn't pull it together.  While I was in there I got an email from my dad with pictures from a friend who stoppped by my mom's grave.  He had cleaned off the dead flowers and put fresh flowers on it.  It's just hard to see.  I'm so grateful, but it just all feels so weird.

So I emailed my dad and siblings back just telling them I was having a hard morning:  This is so thoughtful of him. Thankful that he’s willing to do this and even Coralie stopping, too, means a lot. I was in the bathroom when you sent this trying to pull it together.  I’m so sad this morning and I’m not sure why it’s harder this morning than yesterday. I know it’s much more for you. You're used to seeing her and talking with her daily. You’re doing such a good job of being out and talking to people even if you don’t feel like it. Maybe the heaviness is more too because I've been feeling heavy for Josh a lot lately so leaving him at school is heavy. I’m not sure. I’m praying for God to surround each of us in a tangible way—not just “I believe he is because he says he is” but I want for us all to know he is because we see him in some form today. That might be partially my weakness but it seems like it would lift some heaviness to have more regular doses of his physical presence in this season. Trying to keep music going and my quiet time so I’m not left alone with my thoughts, if that makes sense. Love you all. I so hope this isn’t a downer thing. Or feeling like I’m turning this into it being about me.  I know we all are having waves like this.

My dad quickly responded with grace and understanding as he identifies, but also that he, too, felt heavy for Josh and would be praying specifically for him today.

Tonight Tay and I went to try to find a homecoming dress for her, so Jason hung out with the boys and put them to bed.  Josh has said many times in the way that only Josh can say this "I don't want to say this, but I have to... I don't like to pray."  It's funny because that's his raw honest self, but a lot of that comes from him having a hard time forming sentences sometimes or just not knowing what to say.  So we have felt like it's best not to make him pray for now.  Bedtime, then, is one of us praying and then Caleb, but not Josh.  Tonight! When I got home Jason told me that he prayed with the boys, Caleb prayed, and then Josh just started to pray as if it was his norm, but what he prayed is what rocked my core.  Jason put it in his phone right away so that he wouldn't get the words mixed up.  To preface this I have not talked to the boys about my mom a whole lot.  They aren't as connected to losing her as the rest of us because they just haven't had the time with her that we all have.  Jason said he hadn't mentioned anything about my mom to them tonight.

Josh prayed, "Dear God, I pray that you would give the mailman a letter that Gramma is having fun at Heaven with you."

It felt like the pressure valve released in me.  Emotion overtook me, but relieved some of that heaviness.  We were praying specifically for Josh today.  I was also praying for something from God to let me know that physically He is with us. God did not owe this to me tonight, but all throughout scripture I see that he has a heart of compassion, and he wept when he lost a dear friend.  He wept because he was in the moment with friends who were hurting.  I just feel that from him today, and I'm so humbled by his care for Josh and his care for my heart.  One of my favorite songs right now is "We Need a Move".  It says "Come and do what you do.  We need a move."  It says so much more, but that's been my prayer.  He moved tonight, and I'm so grateful.