The Last Few Weeks

I have opened Facebook a couple of times this last week to post, but just stared at "what's on your mind?".  I'd start something then delete. Nothing feels appropriate. Words aren't enough, but I know for my own sake I need to do my best to record the last weeks and communicate my heart... The sadness, the loss, the gratitude.

I'm so grateful for the opportunity to have spent several weeks with my parents through the summer. Jason and the girls were so good about filling in the gaps at home so I could go without guilt or stress.  Tay turned 16 in August, so for her birthday my mom and dad bought her a ticket to go back out to spend a week with them.  So we both went.  We knew the prognosis.  We knew my mom didn't have much time left. She was so weak and sick, so we spent a lot of time just hanging out in her room, and a couple times she was able to go outside to sit for a while.  I kept feeling like I wasn't doing this right...how do I make the most of these days.  I finally just said that.  But my dad said, "You both have shared your hearts through the years with each other.  If there were tension or unresolved conflict then you would try to work through that now, but there isn't."

That final week was hard.  It's something I didn't know.  When I hear of someone dying of cancer I didn't know, but I thought I had a good idea.  It's horrible.  She was under hospice care which means they basically manage pain, but when we would try to reposition her or help her get comfortable she would wince in pain.  She was so extremely fragile.  She was throwing up, but hadn't eaten for days and hardly had any water even.  You would never know my dad had a weak stomach around that sort of thing.  He handled everything like a champ.  My mom would need to go to the bathroom, so up until the last days where she just didn't need to go at all he would help her out of bed with her hands around his neck and his around her back so she could walk to the bathroom. He had to talk her through it "Almost there.  Just a couple more steps. One more step.  ok you made it." This was just important to her...to be able to use the bathroom normally, so he made that possible. Brady and Kristen (my brother and sis-in-law) were there a lot also.  One of the last days Brady was helping her walk to the bathroom while Kristen was on her knees helping mom move each foot forward to take another step.  Her legs just lost all strength, so Brady just scooped her up with seemingly no effort to move her back to bed. The nights were long. I offered to stay in with my mom so my dad could have a solid night of sleep, but he wanted to be with her.  Since I was little he has always gotten my mom a glass of ice water before bed to put on her nightstand.  Now it was that, her meds and applesauce to help get the meds down, then he rubbed a cream on her legs and feet and try to get her positioned comfortably.  We sleep with fans.  He stopped doing that so he could hear any movement, breath, cough or whisper.  He woke up with her through the night countless times to readjust her or fluff her pillows. The months leading up to this final week he went to all appointments, long chemo treatments, ran to get anything that sounded good to her knowing she may only take one drink of that smoothie.  He bought lots of different protein drinks to try to find one that she might like...Let's be honest they are all gross. He emailed and called and took notes with doctors visits.  He even watched hours and hours of HGTV with my mom, which may have been the hardest of all of these things.  He's always shown us his love with "I'll take care of it" so he did that.  It was so hard for me to watch when all he could do is pray.  On the last day of one of my visits I had just woken up, and went to check how my mom was to find my dad leaning over her praying as they cried.  The helplessness is so hard when you are so used to being able to find a solution.

Brady and Kristen live in Cherry Hill so were over almost every day making dinner, cleaning, organizing things, sitting with mom so dad could run his errands or go to his dr appointments.  They were such a peaceful presence for both my mom and dad and made it so clear that they were so happy to help.   I can't imagine this journey without them or if they were put out by having to help so much.

In that last week we face-timed Angela and her kids.  It was hard.  So hard for her to be limited on time and ability to be there in that moment.  But she wrote a letter we read to mom.  The kids all texted messages that we could read to her also and she said to their texts "I'm so proud".  On Monday night of the last week after my dad prayed she piped in, and started praying mentioning each grandchild by name.  We were both astonished.  It took so much energy for her to do that with a deep breath after each one named.

The last two days I was with my mom I sat, we all sat in the room with mostly just worship music and silence.  We tried reading, but would often find ourselves counting seconds between her breaths.  Sometimes it was 6 and then 20, then we would straighten up and look at each other as it would get to 30 and then she would take a deep breath. She was mostly non responsive.  At one point my dad came in and told her that my nephew had asked if his dad could come to the funeral (my sisters ex-husband).  We all said definitely.  So my dad told my mom and she held both hands up rejoicing.  So then I told her that God provided for my family to be able fly out as a family so we wouldn't have to drive and again she held her hands up rejoicing.

The nurse told us that she could hear us even if she wasn't responsive.  Friday morning I had to fly back home.  I wrestled with that.  I wanted to stay.  My dad said it was ok to go and felt like it would be good when my mom passes to be with my family and to travel out with them.  So I leaned in and told my mom I loved her, and gave her hug, and through a whisper she said she loved me too.

Brady said he would stay with my parents that night.  I think it was so much better that he was there instead of me at that point.  My dad had just fallen asleep, and was almost woken up by the silence.  He checked on my mom and wasn't seeing her pulse or breathing.  Brady came in and couldn't find a pulse.  So they called hospice and waited for an hour for them to come.  Brady said they handled everything smoothly.

My dad called me.  Everyone else had gone to bed.  I knew Kami and Aly would still be up so I called them.  Aly's roommate was gone for the weekend so she was alone. I hated that.  Even though we knew this was going to happen the sadness was just overwhelming.  Kami was surrounded by friends who cried with her.  Their dorms are far enough from each others, and it was late enough that it was best for them both to stay put.  The girls flew out the next morning from Indy, and met us in Detroit so we could all fly to Philadelphia together.  That was so good for us.

Brady, Kristen and my sister picked us up at the airport. Pulling up to my parents house flooded us all with heavy emotion.  But having each other, my siblings and nieces and nephews and my dad--we all like each other.  We like to be together.  I am so incredibly blessed to have family that I can lean into and they can lean into me and each other.

For the next couple of days we sat together outside mostly.  We cried, we laughed, we reminisced. We went through my moms decorating/staging things and organized closets and bathrooms to try to stay busy. We put together pictures for Laura to make a video.  That video ended up being 35 minutes long!  We had to cut out a lot too.  I'm so thankful that we are a family that takes lots of pictures and videos.

Monday we all went to the funeral home to see mom for the first time.  It was horrible and good.  My dad went in alone at first.  Watching my dad weep is good for us, but so hard because we love him so much. I had imagined that day.  Kami was so resistant, and didn't want to see her grandma like this, but our last memories especially of the last week needed to be replaced.  They were able to make her look like mom again.  She looked so much better than she did on Friday when I had to say goodbye.  Each of us went in. All the nieces and nephews.  Lots of holding each other and crying.

As we were leaving the funeral home my dad backed right into a pole.  Oh my word.  My heart just sank for him.  He said when we got home that he got there and thought "I need to tell mom about that"...the first of many times the instinct is to text, call or run downstairs and tell her and the reality hits.

The visitation/viewing was that night.  Three hours of hugging and crying.  So many people loved my mom.  She impacted so so many lives.  She even had clients, the lady who did her custom drapes and other people she worked with coming through the line crying and sharing memories. We were so exhausted after.  Jason's mom and sisters flew out,  Dave and Sue Uibel drove up (long time family friends),  David Nelms flew out (does missions ministry that my dad is part of), James and Megan (like family) drove down and other friends drove long distances.  Their efforts to be there were so moving to us.

The next morning we all gathered in a side room at the church.  I couldn't swallow.  I kept taking deep breaths to try to keep from crying the hard cry. David Uibel played the piano so beautifully as the memories and pictures of my mom scrolled through on the screen. We all shared through tears.  Then they brought the casket out and put my mom in the hearse.  It's a symbol that we weren't ready for.  What the hearse represents feels sick to the heart.  My dad again weeped and struggled to even hold his weight.  His strength was gone for a moment.

My mom was flown out to Des Moines where we are from, where we have roots and deep friendship. The rest of us flew home the next day to regroup and get ready to fly out to Des Moines.  We got home and the power went out. Thankfully, we were blessed to have a full pantry and frig with meals even.  My house had even been cleaned for me.  I had just unpacked and started laundry.  There was a tornado warning so we had to hunker down in the basement until that passed.  I've never packed in such a chaotic fashion.  I had my phone light...We decided to get a hotel because we knew we wouldn't sleep without fans (I know that is pathetic), and we were so sleep deprived.  We knew we would need warm showers in the morning before we got kids to school and we took off for Iowa.

My in laws were going to coming that day, but with a restoration time way too far out I frantically started texting friends. Marci, Rachel, Mindy and Cassie became life savers and I'm so so grateful for their willingness to take care of us.  Power was restored and my in laws took over along with my sister in law.  I do believe that God's presence is shown to us through people around us like this and they love us so sweetly.

between flight delays, my sister getting stranded and cancelled flights, my dad having issues with our hotel reservations and Brady having major car repairs right before he left made for just a discouraging start, but we all eventually made it to Des Moines.

My mom and dad worked for Hamiltons funeral home for several years so  they have close relationships with them.  They made mom look even better which I know she would've appreciated.  The visitation was so extremely refreshing to me.  The faces and the voices of people that were such a huge part of my growing up years was like salve to my soul.  To hug my moms friends felt like a broken piece of my heart was getting put back into place.  Their voices and laughs were so nostalgic.  It was so good.  And the friends and family again who flew out and drove long distances was so encouraging.  We needed to see your faces.  Some we were just shocked to see.  And my own friends from high school that showed up, cared, cried and hugged us just felt like God was so with us. We were exhausted again but refreshed also.

The funeral service the next day was packed with faces that flooded so many memories.  When the service was over Carlton, the director who was close with my dad but has now retired and passed the business on to his daughter, came up with Sasha and opened the casket one last time.  He cried hard.  That moved me for him to be there, to be part of that and to see his raw emotion.  So many friends walked by and hugged us again.

The drive to the graveside was hard...it's all just hard.  The idea of putting her in the ground.  It feels so wrong.  Jason tearfully and sweetly shared at the grave.  I'm so thankful for him.  It started raining.  So we said goodbye to mom.  We took roses from the arrangement over her casket, hugged friends again and reluctantly drove away.  So much sadness and tears and empty heaviness.

This is weird, but we stopped at the Casey's general store to go to the bathroom and get something to drink so of course we got a slice of pizza because that's nostalgic.  Then we drove to see all of the houses we lived in and the school we graduated from.  That felt good even in the steady stream of tears.

We went back to the hotel to rest.  We were talking through different parts of the day.  My dad saw the picture and mentioned it "Did you guys see this?" the one with the cloud image above the tent at the cemetery.  And he put his hand over his mouth and wept.  I don't know if that was an angel or God just making his presence more tangible to us but we needed that and cried together over it.

We joked "well played, mom" because we got to be in town when Iowa played Iowa State later that afternoon so we got Tavern pizza and went back to our hotel to watch the game...the game that went for 6 hours because of thunder...the game that Iowa got lucky and won by one.  But it was so good to be together.

Saying goodbye to Brady, Kristen, Angela and my dad was emotional.  This part is over and so we begin the healing and not sure how to go about that.  I have a dad who in the midst of his worst pain and loss is still praying for us, reminding us of God's truth, being vulnerable with his own ache and emptiness and yet is still caring for our hearts.

God has cared for us in ways I wouldn't have been able to come up with, but he knew.  He provided for all of our travel and expenses. He also provided for the rest of my family to fly to Iowa.  He has given us family, but then more family all over the world (there were people in several other countries watching my moms live service) and then locally in our community and Impact family.  You all have loved us so so well by praying for us, texting us, sending us cards, doing thoughtful things for us.  We know God is present and has shown us his love through you all.  Thank you seems trite,  but are the only words our language gives us for now to show deep gratitude.

I have a couple of friends who have gone through their own deep grief and loss who have been so faithful in sending songs, messages, prayers and verses and advice.  Your love is undeserved and I'm grateful that you have allowed God to use your pain to help me walk through mine.