Taken by Tears
Agh! What's wrong with me?? I used to cry at just about anything. I've always been sensitive (to most things). I certainly can be cold toward certain situations, though. But since I was little I remember crying just way too easily. Probably drove my parents crazy. I know it drove my sister nuts, cause I vividly remember her saying, "shhhhh!!! It's ok. It's ok! SHHH!" often. It was more of a panic...like, "come on!! Don't get me in trouble!". I'll admit... I was a tattle tale, so if I could add some tears to it then the moment was golden. I see the small version of me in Taylor. It's quite amusing really. I had to have my out-of-no-where random moments of confession with my mom. My heart and gut just couldn't take the guilt of whatever my infractions were.
But as I grew up. I found myself being so embarrassed by the lack of control I had over my emotions. I remember seeing my mom nearly slice her thumb off, and she didn't cry!! I was amazed! I just hated that I couldn't help but cry when I got hurt whether it be emotional or physical. What a beautiful day that was when I did find myself in pain and didn't cry...so I thought. All I knew is the older I got the uglier I was when I cried. My family jokes around over a few of our physically unattractive traits--the Cortner frown (inheritted from my dad). My sister, brother and I all have this natural frown that if we aren't in a full on laugh we pretty much look mad. My dad used to be sitting up at the communion table for a communion service, and the three of us would try so hard to get him to look at us to attempt a crack of a smile. He's so not grumpy, and that maybe wasn't the best time to try for a laugh from my dad, but it made for some amusement on our parts, and I can imagine complete annoyance on my parents.
We also have what we call the "Cortner slope". That's that slope under our chin that is just like the skin got stretched and doesn't curve as sharply, but slopes. I know, how strange. And then there is the ugly cry. Now my mom is beautiful, but (sorry, mom) we inherited this thing that when we cry our faces stay red and blotchy and our eyes are super puffy for the following 24 hours.
A couple of years ago I flew out to NJ to share a brief talk at a retreat for my mom and dad's church. The night before we were running through the tech stuff and I showed my mom the movie clip that I was going to use to drive home my point. She was trying to gently say she didn't get it, and me thinking, "now what do I do?" in that moment tried my darndest not to, but started to cry. Then my mom starts crying trying to take back her confusion, because she felt bad that I was crying. As we are talking through this I'm looking in the mirror trying to keep my makeup from running all over. Then my mom starts saying, "You just need to know that I'm proud of you...", so I turn around as she keeps talking, but she lost me, because I busted out laughing at her and asked, "what are you doing??!". She was standing there in all seriousness pouring out her heart holding a can of diet coke to each one of her eyes! So all that to say, we know... we have a serious eye swelling problem (ice or cold diet coke cans for that matter do nothing to help by the way).
Somewhere along the way I've learned to control my tears, though. Even in that moment at that retreat my mom said, "Well, that's just what we do. We are criers." But my friend, Rachel, who was with me was shocked. She's only known me for a few years-- my post crying years. And something about her shock made me wonder was it really for vanity's sake that I've learned to plug my tears? Yep, that and just not wanting to be an over-reactive baby.
Well, maybe it's age, maybe it's God softening my heart again. But I've been so caught off guard with emotion lately. I try to hide it, but it just erupts, and next thing I know I'm a blubbering mess. Here are just a few of my surprise triggers in the last few weeks.
-We made a video for our Mother's Day service. I was watching a video on youtube that I was copying the idea from, so Tay joined me on the couch. It's basically an idea of sharing this was/is my struggle, but God has shown me this through the struggle. Tay walked out of the room then jumped back in, and said, "I could do one, mom, that says I had thoughts, but not anymore" (if you know the history in that statement you will get it). Yep, choke and tears. Then Leslie, a dear friend, is moving across the world the week after mother's day. So we were putting together the video and she shares in it that she's moving, even though I knew, it just caught me off guard, and once again...I lost it.
-Kami came out of school, got in the car, and just said, "I really love school."--I'm even choking up as I recall this. Agh!!
-Aly told me about a kid that was getting teased by someone at school, and how much it bothered her, so she told the one teasing to stop. Tears.
-My brother called about 2 months ago to tell me he and his wife are going to have another baby. I don't usually cry with that news, but I did. Why? Just happy. And when Leslie told me she was pregnant...tears (this is a crazy side note...right as I was typing this out Leslie just texted me to get together --God, you're funny like that:)
-Tay was getting her eyes checked. They are all over the place sometimes. Still not sure if another surgery is on the horizon, but just her soft answers to the Dr. brought that lump up my throat.
-My friend, Vicki, has been so strong through a few years of being a single mom and dealing with a hurtful divorce announced to me she's getting married to a guy that I know loves her better than she's ever been loved, and I love love....tears
-There's a picture of my dad on facebook that is from his trip to Haiti where it had just been an emotionally draining day, and he told me it was just about all he could take to see the poverty, needs and brokenness of the people do my best to post it at the end, but every single time I see it (because I've shown a few people). It tears me up. Picture worth a thousand words...and a few tears.
-Watching Kami grace the stage as she danced in her recital...
-Something about how Aly plays soccer will evoke tears in me at the most obscure moments in her game. I think that's pride:)
-Tay practicing "Beautiful Things" for her piano recital.
-My sister telling me through tears the ache her kids share, the things they write and the sobs they try to hold back because of their dad's choices to leave their family--that breaks my heart!
-My brothers mentor and friend was recently diagnosed with ALS. And Brady posted on facebook that he was going to fly out to hear Patrick speak one last message because his speech is declining so quickly. I held back a sob when I read that. Then just today watched that message online. I held it together and thought, "phew!". But walked out of Panera and fell to pieces in my van.
-We met with Dave and Lindsay to talk through wedding details. Dave mentioned honoring his dad who passed away suddenly 2 years ago. Again, so taken off guard with tears.
-My mom saying, "I'm so thankful your sister has you". Well, now again even as I type...I can't control my leaking eyes!
There is more, but this is long. I try to keep my tears in. It's like I'm squeezing my eyes shut and psyching myself out with thoughts to distract me from the emotion, but God's weakening those muscles that hold the tears back. I really don't like it, but I know God made me this way even though I've tried to resist it. I'm working on letting myself be who I'm supposed to be....tears and all... some happy, some sad, some mad and some I have no idea why:)
**This is the picture of my dad that I mentioned
A couple of years ago I flew out to NJ to share a brief talk at a retreat for my mom and dad's church. The night before we were running through the tech stuff and I showed my mom the movie clip that I was going to use to drive home my point. She was trying to gently say she didn't get it, and me thinking, "now what do I do?" in that moment tried my darndest not to, but started to cry. Then my mom starts crying trying to take back her confusion, because she felt bad that I was crying. As we are talking through this I'm looking in the mirror trying to keep my makeup from running all over. Then my mom starts saying, "You just need to know that I'm proud of you...", so I turn around as she keeps talking, but she lost me, because I busted out laughing at her and asked, "what are you doing??!". She was standing there in all seriousness pouring out her heart holding a can of diet coke to each one of her eyes! So all that to say, we know... we have a serious eye swelling problem (ice or cold diet coke cans for that matter do nothing to help by the way).
Somewhere along the way I've learned to control my tears, though. Even in that moment at that retreat my mom said, "Well, that's just what we do. We are criers." But my friend, Rachel, who was with me was shocked. She's only known me for a few years-- my post crying years. And something about her shock made me wonder was it really for vanity's sake that I've learned to plug my tears? Yep, that and just not wanting to be an over-reactive baby.
Well, maybe it's age, maybe it's God softening my heart again. But I've been so caught off guard with emotion lately. I try to hide it, but it just erupts, and next thing I know I'm a blubbering mess. Here are just a few of my surprise triggers in the last few weeks.
-We made a video for our Mother's Day service. I was watching a video on youtube that I was copying the idea from, so Tay joined me on the couch. It's basically an idea of sharing this was/is my struggle, but God has shown me this through the struggle. Tay walked out of the room then jumped back in, and said, "I could do one, mom, that says I had thoughts, but not anymore" (if you know the history in that statement you will get it). Yep, choke and tears. Then Leslie, a dear friend, is moving across the world the week after mother's day. So we were putting together the video and she shares in it that she's moving, even though I knew, it just caught me off guard, and once again...I lost it.
-Kami came out of school, got in the car, and just said, "I really love school."--I'm even choking up as I recall this. Agh!!
-Aly told me about a kid that was getting teased by someone at school, and how much it bothered her, so she told the one teasing to stop. Tears.
-My brother called about 2 months ago to tell me he and his wife are going to have another baby. I don't usually cry with that news, but I did. Why? Just happy. And when Leslie told me she was pregnant...tears (this is a crazy side note...right as I was typing this out Leslie just texted me to get together --God, you're funny like that:)
-Tay was getting her eyes checked. They are all over the place sometimes. Still not sure if another surgery is on the horizon, but just her soft answers to the Dr. brought that lump up my throat.
-My friend, Vicki, has been so strong through a few years of being a single mom and dealing with a hurtful divorce announced to me she's getting married to a guy that I know loves her better than she's ever been loved, and I love love....tears
-There's a picture of my dad on facebook that is from his trip to Haiti where it had just been an emotionally draining day, and he told me it was just about all he could take to see the poverty, needs and brokenness of the people do my best to post it at the end, but every single time I see it (because I've shown a few people). It tears me up. Picture worth a thousand words...and a few tears.
-Watching Kami grace the stage as she danced in her recital...
-Something about how Aly plays soccer will evoke tears in me at the most obscure moments in her game. I think that's pride:)
-Tay practicing "Beautiful Things" for her piano recital.
-My sister telling me through tears the ache her kids share, the things they write and the sobs they try to hold back because of their dad's choices to leave their family--that breaks my heart!
-My brothers mentor and friend was recently diagnosed with ALS. And Brady posted on facebook that he was going to fly out to hear Patrick speak one last message because his speech is declining so quickly. I held back a sob when I read that. Then just today watched that message online. I held it together and thought, "phew!". But walked out of Panera and fell to pieces in my van.
-We met with Dave and Lindsay to talk through wedding details. Dave mentioned honoring his dad who passed away suddenly 2 years ago. Again, so taken off guard with tears.
-My mom saying, "I'm so thankful your sister has you". Well, now again even as I type...I can't control my leaking eyes!
There is more, but this is long. I try to keep my tears in. It's like I'm squeezing my eyes shut and psyching myself out with thoughts to distract me from the emotion, but God's weakening those muscles that hold the tears back. I really don't like it, but I know God made me this way even though I've tried to resist it. I'm working on letting myself be who I'm supposed to be....tears and all... some happy, some sad, some mad and some I have no idea why:)
**This is the picture of my dad that I mentioned
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