My small take on life right now
I just started reading two books: "Get Out of Your Head" by Jennie Allen and "Forgiving What you Can't Forget" by Lisa Terkheurst. The titles alone scream, "Read me so you don't tank through this season". I hate this just like most everyone. I just want my heart, actions and responses to be honoring to God. It's hard. I have this video of Caleb when he was about four telling me the story about Jonah. He says in it, "Jonah did not obey God. It's just so hard to be good!" Sometimes that's so true especially when I feel like people who have been some of my trusted people are posting statements from one extreme or the other flipping the world off, burning bridges, and cutting off anyone that does not fully agree with them. When I see the extreme sides with no effort to try to understand the other perspective my instinct is "I don't trust you. You aren't safe. You are divisive."
When Covid first came to my attention I was not sure what to think or feel. Schools just closed, Kami and Aly came home from college. No one (even though so many claimed to know) knew this virus. New and flip flopping info came out every day. I didn't let the girls even go to the grocery store. Then the masks came out. I first thought it seemed strange to wear masks. Like it was the paranoid wearing them. Then I got to the point where I could tell people felt scared. Similar to when a child is so afraid and there is no rationalizing I'm not going to just expect them to get over it. I was keeping a safe distance everywhere I went, but for the sake of avoiding an angry person in a mask I started wearing it. Then it became a mandate in order to enter any public place. So that was easy. Just wear it.
I struggled with the mask for a few reasons: I couldn't catch my breath. Now, I can hear already "You think it's hard to breathe now? Wait til you have Covid". I would go into a store with a list and couldn't finish it, and I'm mostly healthy. I do have asthma, but I really don't think it was asthma making it hard to breathe. It was just something over my face, and I was having a hard time getting used to that. I don't like masks. I've heard "Wearing is caring". That's one perspective. "Wearing is scaring". That's the other (I'm imagining eye rolls on both sides). I have medical professional friends on both sides of the argument. Honestly, one of my closer friends who has been in the medical field in the hospital for long time has been my go to person. I've just decided--You're the one who can tell me what's safe, what works, what is "caring" and what is not. Before Covid she was my go to for little things too. Even this morning Josh had a swollen eye and nothing else. So I sent a picture. She's smart and has been spot on with so much for me. When my mom was sick she understood what was going on. Another friend who is also in the medical field who read my mom's scans to us when she was first diagnosed and was spot on is another I have chosen to trust through this. If I listen to too many people then it's a ridiculous mess of opinions. So that's where I've landed. These two have been my go to. If I'm listening to all the voices it just sends my brain into chaos.
Jason has been attacked and accused of not caring, or giving in all over the place. His heart is so for the kingdom. And it's been both sides. The extremes are both ugly and mean and arrogant. Passive aggressive approach is weak, but that's the easy MO for too many. I've unfollowed so many people that I love and care about because their posts make me cringe and are so vitriolic. So Impact chose to have a no mask required service. Do you know how many people have come and how many have accepted Christ in those services that wouldn't have had there not been that service? I know over 30 said they did just that. They found hope in a relationship with Christ. People that were offended and call that selfish were not required and no one is required to come. We offer online and also a mask-required service, but many that were upset about no masks have not even darkened the door of the mask-required door...It's a separate entrance. The space is thoroughly sanitized and spaced out. It begs the question "what's the real reason?". I've struggled with this because I know the work behind making this available. I've struggled because Covid and masks have given license and excuse to stay away and any social anxieties to be coddled under "I just don't feel like it's safe" line. So many in this tribe have been so contradicting by meeting together without masks, but they can't come to church even when there are masks. Or they are saying "I wear masks for the sake of others. It's not out of fear for myself. Wearing is caring." But I've seen shear panic when it's them and even just another child and that child isn't wearing a mask. They are scared. This isn't Jesus.
Before anyone flips on me because of that perspective let me share the other...I'm sickened by that, yes, but I'm also repulsed by the other extreme that is rolling their eyes or belittling someone who is being more cautious. The extreme that says this is nothing, or this is not real. They are telling Jason he's weak and living in fear, giving in to the enemy if the leadership choses to shut things down. He's been called a coward for not stating one side and for not seeing this as political. "You need to endorse/support______(whichever candidate)" which by the way has come from both party perspectives. It's not Jesus. He gets praised for "having a pair" to push through and continue with services, kid zone and no masks, etc. and told to "grow a pair" for scaling back and taking more cautious measures. He's been accused of wanting to shut down Lowell. People call themselves Christ-followers and then spew such hateful words.
Neither extreme is Jesus.
My dad got married this last weekend. Aly and Kami were supposed to fly out. My in-laws were coming to stay with the boys. Tay, Jason and I were driving out. IWU campus had a massive spike. Everyone was getting quarantined even with negative test results, even if the person they were exposed to had a negative test result. Aly had a headache which isn't so abnormal, but we made the hard decision to make them go home and quarantine instead of go to the wedding. We all cried. I still hate that we had to do that. So because they came home we felt it was best then for my in-laws not to come and for the boys to stay somewhere else. That was hard too. The wedding had to be moved to a house and down to family only. By the way the girls have been quarantined upstairs and we've stayed distant downstairs just in case-not out of fear, but out of extra caution because we want the boys to be able to go to school, and for Jason, Tay and I to be able to work without reaction of us being careless. Quarantine ends Wednesday.
My dad said this simple thing, "God is not wringing his hands over this saying, 'Oh, no! What am I going to do.' He is sovereign. He is in control and is not surprised by any of this."
If you are a follower of Jesus then the world will know by the fruit we bear. Are we showing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control...Are we showing that to the people that do not see things from our perspective? That's the bigger question.
I've seen so much ugly. Horrible depression, friendships completely severed, "unfriend me now if you're one of those", etc. Well, that all makes me want to stay home. Except our community needs hope. Today I'm praying for God to defeat the enemy. The enemy doesn't care about Covid and masks. He is thrilled to see the fighting and division. I've felt it in my own heart. He can't have that. I'm choosing today to forgive and to get out of my own head, to quit holding onto the hurt that whispers to me "cut them out." I'm filling my mind today with God's truth and will do my best to move forward the best I know how, realizing some won't like me anyway. I'm leaning into the Spirit of God and asking him to speak, I'm listening. I'm asking him to fill me with his spirit and to help me set aside mine. He is holy and he is right.
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