Tay's Personal Experience Essay

My head has felt like there have been a kaleidoscope of butterflies flying in every direction inside.  Each butterfly being a different thought. Whether that be grief, joy, loneliness, or excitement. It has all been there. 

I think of the moment when we layed in bed with my grandma as she spoke words of life into each of us in her last moments.  

Of the week she flew me out for my birthday when she only had two weeks left.  Continuing to be as present as she could allow herself to be.  

I think of the feeling of dropping both sisters off at college three hours away.  

How for the first time I’m the oldest sister in just a matter of minutes. 

The lonliness I feel when I can’t just go into their room and talk about the day. 

The idea that my grandma passed just a week after dropping them off.  

Flying spontaneously out to New Jersey for the third time in a month.  

Getting out of the car to one less hug than we were used to.  

Seeing my Grandpa with sadness in his eyes.  

Not being able to look at pictures without feeling a heaviness beyond what I could handle.  

Seeing her in the casket for the first time.

Crying on my Dad’s shoulder as my family stood above her. 

Sitting in church, her favorite songs playing in the background.

Getting countless hugs from strangers.   

Writing for her funeral, but not feeling that I could write enough to truly do justice. 

Sitting and feeling the beauty of everything that she was. 

I think of flying back to Michigan.

Saying goodbye to my sisters all over again with an even greater heaviness and longing to have them come back home.

Coming back to school after missing and feeling alone because not everyone knew what happened.  

Sitting in class and traveling into my own world of all that occured while trying to listen to the material I missed.  

I think of how my parents left to Iowa for another funeral, leaving me home with my other grandparents and little brothers.  

In the same week honoring my grandma in the pink arrow volleyball game. 

The gasps of the fans as the announcers say that she lost her battle just a week ago.  

Me weeping in front of the whole crowd as Emily held me up.  

Trying to feel joy in cheering for our team while at the same time feeling the weight of everything that Pink Arrow represents.  

I think of my first weekend back at church without my parents there.  

Me getting hugs from those I barely know.  

I think of how I can’t listen to the songs that were played at the funeral. 

How everytime one plays I lean over to skip past it.

I think of everything that has happened in the past two months.  

But then I think of what has pulled me through.

Faith.

Faith that God has a far greater plan than mine.

Faith that there is a reason for all that has happened

Faith that I will see my grandma again.

Every single thought I have.  

Every single trial.

There is a plan for me, and I trust that it is for good. Even if it does’t feel like it in the moment.

God is there with me every step, carrying me when I can’t walk.

There will be trials.

But there is also great joy that comes with it.

I am in the middle of a life test, but I make it through knowing that there is a greater joy ahead.