Parenting in the Sea of "yes"
This summer we took our annual vacation out to New Jersey to visit my parents. We always take a day to veg between the shore and the boardwalk of Ocean City. It's one of my favorite places. When Jason and I were in college we spent a few weekends there with a group of friends pretending it was warm enough to be on the beach in April. Jason broke his arm on that boardwalk messing around, but it stole a piece of our hearts anyway. Then when my parents moved there 20 years ago it became a must on our list of ventures during our Jersey vacations.
When we started having kids it dramatically changed that lay back and close your eyes and listen to the waves M.O. to eyes wide open counting heads every five seconds. Our girls were cautious so I don't recall panic with them in the water. Then the boys... fearless... "MOM! I'm a really good swimmer", says the 6 year old as he gulps in the salt water. They hate life jackets. They love massive waves pummeling them. The thrill and life it gives them is all over their perma-cheese-grin.
This year Caleb begged over and over for me to let him boogy board with no life jacket. Other kids way smaller didn't have theirs (even though they were only in up to their ankles holding a grown ups hand). I was almost conquered by his relentless pursuit to be free of his device. But I just couldn't. He was mad. Whatever. Didn't care. Then within just a few short minutes he was no where to be found. I purposefully have bright colors on them so I can spot them easier. I couldn't find his neon green swim shirt. I bolted out of my beach chair started that panicky jog down the shore line. The undertow was intense this day. Red flags were up. Then I saw him. Way way out past the break wall of rocks, way past any person. He was holding onto his board trying to kick in, but with each wave he was pulled further out. I tossed my phone to some stranger and started swimming out towards my boy. My heart rate was racing faster than I could swim. Off to my left I saw a life guard swimming out to Caleb. He got to him before I could and threw his red rescue tube to him and told him to grab it. As we got closer where my feet could touch the ground the life guard passed off Caleb to me. The current was so intense I could barely hold on to him. Once we reached the shore I was shaking I couldn't hold back the tears, and I kept thinking what if I would've let him take his life vest off? I felt like it took the rest of the day for my heart rate to recover. Caleb was stunned but didn't even get the full picture of what had happened.
I cannot tell you how many times I've felt that pull to just give in and say yes to any of my kids because it feels sometimes like we are the only ones saying no...no to driving past the city curfew, no to that movie or tv series that everyone else is watching, no to dating before we felt like they were ready, no to going to a specific event, no to sleepovers when we feel like they aren't old enough, no to that style of clothing, no to handing out money for one more thing. The list is endless not because they even ask. Our girls are old enough to have formed their own convictions without us having to force them, but there still are times we have to say no. I want to say yes. We try to say yes as often as we can. Parenting is by far the hardest thing I have ever taken on. But I do love my kids so fiercely that if that "no" will protect them even though it will make them mad at me or if it puts them on the outside and they get left out (which by the way as a parent is one of the hardest things for me to watch) I'm willing for that to be the outcome. That "no" is their life vest. It guards their life, their heart, their mind, their reputation, their future. That can all be dead in seconds with one "yes" out of pressure to yes because everyone else is.
Disclaimer: Each kid is different, so some we would say yes when we would say no to another for the same situation. And we always give a why behind the no. If they still don't get it or agree then it just comes down to trust... "Please trust me in this". I remember my parents allowing me to question their "no" with respect, and I would disagree sometimes or not get it, but I did trust them. Even if it was disappointing I knew that their ultimate motive was always about what they felt was best for me.
Thanking God today for his constant protection and even for the times he says no to me. He says no and I don't always get it but I do trust him and believe his promise that he has a perfect plan for my life and for the people I love.
When we started having kids it dramatically changed that lay back and close your eyes and listen to the waves M.O. to eyes wide open counting heads every five seconds. Our girls were cautious so I don't recall panic with them in the water. Then the boys... fearless... "MOM! I'm a really good swimmer", says the 6 year old as he gulps in the salt water. They hate life jackets. They love massive waves pummeling them. The thrill and life it gives them is all over their perma-cheese-grin.
This year Caleb begged over and over for me to let him boogy board with no life jacket. Other kids way smaller didn't have theirs (even though they were only in up to their ankles holding a grown ups hand). I was almost conquered by his relentless pursuit to be free of his device. But I just couldn't. He was mad. Whatever. Didn't care. Then within just a few short minutes he was no where to be found. I purposefully have bright colors on them so I can spot them easier. I couldn't find his neon green swim shirt. I bolted out of my beach chair started that panicky jog down the shore line. The undertow was intense this day. Red flags were up. Then I saw him. Way way out past the break wall of rocks, way past any person. He was holding onto his board trying to kick in, but with each wave he was pulled further out. I tossed my phone to some stranger and started swimming out towards my boy. My heart rate was racing faster than I could swim. Off to my left I saw a life guard swimming out to Caleb. He got to him before I could and threw his red rescue tube to him and told him to grab it. As we got closer where my feet could touch the ground the life guard passed off Caleb to me. The current was so intense I could barely hold on to him. Once we reached the shore I was shaking I couldn't hold back the tears, and I kept thinking what if I would've let him take his life vest off? I felt like it took the rest of the day for my heart rate to recover. Caleb was stunned but didn't even get the full picture of what had happened.
I cannot tell you how many times I've felt that pull to just give in and say yes to any of my kids because it feels sometimes like we are the only ones saying no...no to driving past the city curfew, no to that movie or tv series that everyone else is watching, no to dating before we felt like they were ready, no to going to a specific event, no to sleepovers when we feel like they aren't old enough, no to that style of clothing, no to handing out money for one more thing. The list is endless not because they even ask. Our girls are old enough to have formed their own convictions without us having to force them, but there still are times we have to say no. I want to say yes. We try to say yes as often as we can. Parenting is by far the hardest thing I have ever taken on. But I do love my kids so fiercely that if that "no" will protect them even though it will make them mad at me or if it puts them on the outside and they get left out (which by the way as a parent is one of the hardest things for me to watch) I'm willing for that to be the outcome. That "no" is their life vest. It guards their life, their heart, their mind, their reputation, their future. That can all be dead in seconds with one "yes" out of pressure to yes because everyone else is.
Disclaimer: Each kid is different, so some we would say yes when we would say no to another for the same situation. And we always give a why behind the no. If they still don't get it or agree then it just comes down to trust... "Please trust me in this". I remember my parents allowing me to question their "no" with respect, and I would disagree sometimes or not get it, but I did trust them. Even if it was disappointing I knew that their ultimate motive was always about what they felt was best for me.
Thanking God today for his constant protection and even for the times he says no to me. He says no and I don't always get it but I do trust him and believe his promise that he has a perfect plan for my life and for the people I love.
Wow. Your words brought me waaayyy back to a time when I wasn’t the most “liked” Mom, because of having to say NO. I will never regret being the “mean mom”, because in doing so, my daughters are now my best friends. We have mutual respect for one another, trusting, honest relationships, and moral support. Children NEED limits, boundaries, and guidance to grow into responsible, thoughtful, respectful adults! You’re doing an amazing job, Heidi. Always trust your gut. Mama knows best!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully said, beautifully written, Heidi. Thank you for sharing from your heart, which is a true reflection of God's heart!
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