Weight Issues
Ha! As much as I get sidetracked thinking about how nice it'd be to have the skinny I did at eighteen I'm not referring to that kind of weight. I just returned from a retreat with 44 really amazing ladies from my church. And, no, I'm not calling them fat! I'm talking about the weight of life. I get overwhelmed, discouraged, down and defeated somedays just from trying to keep up with household duties, attempting to cook a meal every night when cooking just isn't my thing, scheduling all the girls activities, running them here and there while two toddlers stay strapped in their car seats and watch Little Einstein in the van for the one thousandth time. It's all enough to make a person want to just run away...
I don't say that lightly. I've heard a few moms talk about their load this weekend and end with phrases like, "sometimes I just want to run away". That's the weight I'm referring to.
This isn't about me pouring out all my whoas. I do try to keep perspective of all that this Holdridge family of seven is blessed with, but on the days that I'm trying to potty train two boys together for the fifth day in a row, one of my girls is grumpy and rude, but after talking through the attitude come to realize she is seriously feeling alone at school (don't get me started on girls becoming consumed with boyfriends, selfies, swearing is cool, daisy dukes, etc.), another is battling fear that keeps her up past midnight some nights despite the praying, talking and verse memorization. And then just when I think relief is on the way... Jason has a late meeting. Hmmm, that started out as a sentence and became a rant... but even on those days I know I'm blessed. That's not to say that I don't have psycho mom moments or lock myself in my closet sessions. But I can step back and see this is just life, not trials.
This weekend as I heard different women share about life my heart became so heavy...weighted down. Just to describe a few of the women in my life and Impact family...
1. Son is brilliant and loved by our community and his friends. He has such an incredibly sweet and positive spirit even though he has muscular dystrophy.
2. Adopted child is defiant, deceitful and destructive in behavior. This child will go through rages that last up to two hours, and has totally sucked the family dry of life. The respite care they receive is ending soon. That was the mom's lifeline.
3. Husband had multiple affairs. The wreckage runs deep.
4. Lost son in a car accident a week before he should have graduated.
5. Son has serious mental illness that consumes mom with fear.
6. Has Cerebral Palsy, but loves to talk... Feels constantly rejected and avoided.
7. Daughter battling cancer
8. Just dropped off first at college. A big celebration, but an emptiness in the empty nest.
9. Failed IVF. Has embraced her step sons as her own and given her heart to her foster children. Loves deeply, but the heartbreak every time a child goes back to bio family is unbearable.
10. Deepest longing is to be loved and love back not wanting to "enjoy the freedom of being single"
11. Is a caregiver for hospice as an occupation, but a whole new ballgame when caring for your dad in his final days, to be by his side in his death. She's given so much and just needs her own soul to be cared for.
12. Waiting for test results. Cancer or not.
These are just a few right off the top of my head. So many women are carrying way too much of this weight alone.
A couple of nights ago I was laying in bed talking to Tay. She is doing everything in her own strength and through the strength God gives to work through her night time fears. She's made amazing strides, and we say on nights that it's more difficult and she feels so frustrated, "two steps forward, one step back. It's still way better than it was even a month ago." Well, she has found her best coping mechanisms...reading scripture and praying. She has a little booklet that we all have written verses in for her to read before bed. Then she prays. I figured when she was praying that she was praying that God would help her sleep, etc. But she shared with me that she has been praying for the same thing, and adds a few as she hears of needs. Here is her list:
1. Prays for God to help her cousins and aunt heal from the ongoing hurt.
2. For PopPop's back to feel better and his heart to be ok.
3. For PopPop Holdridge to get strong again.
4. For the Dloughy family who lost their son, Alex, this spring.
5. For the VanPutten's who lost their baby to SIDS. I didn't even know she knew their names, but she's been praying for them.
6. For the family who is battling daily with their new daughter.
7. And for the McCrackens, Kresges and Scherings who all have new babies.
It's kind of a random list, but not really. I've always believed that God had given her a tender heart for the hurting. She wears it and carries it. I know that's part of her restlessness at night. She knows the hurting and the struggling are feeling most alone at night, so she prays.
It's simple. We know people are hurting. We know we have friends in our community hurting. I've heard "Don't pray about something unless you are willing to be part of the solution". I love that, and there are things we can do to encourage, but sometimes I am at a loss. Especially in that evening hour when the day has taken it's toll... so we pray. Pray for the hurting. One of my favorite verses since I discovered it is Romans 8:28 "... the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans". So good. I'm often just speechless in knowing how to pray for my friend who lost her son. I pray for peace and joy mostly, but the Spirit of God knows her and her family and what they need in that very moment, so "Spirit, intercede". Not even with words, but "groans". That's so intense. I have felt that ache so deep that words couldn't describe it. But the Spirit interprets those aches to God our Father.
I'm praying for the hurting.
I don't say that lightly. I've heard a few moms talk about their load this weekend and end with phrases like, "sometimes I just want to run away". That's the weight I'm referring to.
This isn't about me pouring out all my whoas. I do try to keep perspective of all that this Holdridge family of seven is blessed with, but on the days that I'm trying to potty train two boys together for the fifth day in a row, one of my girls is grumpy and rude, but after talking through the attitude come to realize she is seriously feeling alone at school (don't get me started on girls becoming consumed with boyfriends, selfies, swearing is cool, daisy dukes, etc.), another is battling fear that keeps her up past midnight some nights despite the praying, talking and verse memorization. And then just when I think relief is on the way... Jason has a late meeting. Hmmm, that started out as a sentence and became a rant... but even on those days I know I'm blessed. That's not to say that I don't have psycho mom moments or lock myself in my closet sessions. But I can step back and see this is just life, not trials.
This weekend as I heard different women share about life my heart became so heavy...weighted down. Just to describe a few of the women in my life and Impact family...
1. Son is brilliant and loved by our community and his friends. He has such an incredibly sweet and positive spirit even though he has muscular dystrophy.
2. Adopted child is defiant, deceitful and destructive in behavior. This child will go through rages that last up to two hours, and has totally sucked the family dry of life. The respite care they receive is ending soon. That was the mom's lifeline.
3. Husband had multiple affairs. The wreckage runs deep.
4. Lost son in a car accident a week before he should have graduated.
5. Son has serious mental illness that consumes mom with fear.
6. Has Cerebral Palsy, but loves to talk... Feels constantly rejected and avoided.
7. Daughter battling cancer
8. Just dropped off first at college. A big celebration, but an emptiness in the empty nest.
9. Failed IVF. Has embraced her step sons as her own and given her heart to her foster children. Loves deeply, but the heartbreak every time a child goes back to bio family is unbearable.
10. Deepest longing is to be loved and love back not wanting to "enjoy the freedom of being single"
11. Is a caregiver for hospice as an occupation, but a whole new ballgame when caring for your dad in his final days, to be by his side in his death. She's given so much and just needs her own soul to be cared for.
12. Waiting for test results. Cancer or not.
These are just a few right off the top of my head. So many women are carrying way too much of this weight alone.
A couple of nights ago I was laying in bed talking to Tay. She is doing everything in her own strength and through the strength God gives to work through her night time fears. She's made amazing strides, and we say on nights that it's more difficult and she feels so frustrated, "two steps forward, one step back. It's still way better than it was even a month ago." Well, she has found her best coping mechanisms...reading scripture and praying. She has a little booklet that we all have written verses in for her to read before bed. Then she prays. I figured when she was praying that she was praying that God would help her sleep, etc. But she shared with me that she has been praying for the same thing, and adds a few as she hears of needs. Here is her list:
1. Prays for God to help her cousins and aunt heal from the ongoing hurt.
2. For PopPop's back to feel better and his heart to be ok.
3. For PopPop Holdridge to get strong again.
4. For the Dloughy family who lost their son, Alex, this spring.
5. For the VanPutten's who lost their baby to SIDS. I didn't even know she knew their names, but she's been praying for them.
6. For the family who is battling daily with their new daughter.
7. And for the McCrackens, Kresges and Scherings who all have new babies.
It's kind of a random list, but not really. I've always believed that God had given her a tender heart for the hurting. She wears it and carries it. I know that's part of her restlessness at night. She knows the hurting and the struggling are feeling most alone at night, so she prays.
It's simple. We know people are hurting. We know we have friends in our community hurting. I've heard "Don't pray about something unless you are willing to be part of the solution". I love that, and there are things we can do to encourage, but sometimes I am at a loss. Especially in that evening hour when the day has taken it's toll... so we pray. Pray for the hurting. One of my favorite verses since I discovered it is Romans 8:28 "... the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans". So good. I'm often just speechless in knowing how to pray for my friend who lost her son. I pray for peace and joy mostly, but the Spirit of God knows her and her family and what they need in that very moment, so "Spirit, intercede". Not even with words, but "groans". That's so intense. I have felt that ache so deep that words couldn't describe it. But the Spirit interprets those aches to God our Father.
I'm praying for the hurting.
Heidi, I just realized we are both managing families of seven, with two children who are not biological. I'm sure our lives are very different, but it's interesting how we can all connect. My step daughters are teen girls and you're raising toddler boys...wish we could trade for a day!
ReplyDeleteYou are right, there is so much hurt and weight in women's hearts. I know you're doing well to allow them freedom to share, ministry when possible and just to facilitate connection among each other.
Your Tay sounds like a sweetheart. My sister and I have both dealt with anxiety in our lives (she in childhood, me as an adult). It's not fun or easy, but she won't always struggle this way. Sometimes just knowing that helps.
I just wanted to say a quick "hi" and I hope you're having a great week!
So good to hear from you Missy! I just saw a picture I think your mom posted of Mindy pushing your dog in a stroller or something like that, but I remember that dog, that hair and those super cool jean shorts!:) Your family has always been so special to mine. Thanks so much for sharing, and it is so good to hear that it does get better. I tell Tay often to remember what she is going through, because she will be able to help others through it. Love you, friend, and lets do that kid switch for a few days:)
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Heidi. I was thinking about prayer all week and then Jon shared last night at ISM. In the video the guy said to read the stories of the things God has done for people in the past, and to acknowledge that God heals and redeems. I was praying Tuesday and in the back of my mind I doubted because I so quickly forget all of the things God has done. So it's been good to think about all of the good he has done in biblical times and even in my life time. To acknowledge that God does big things, he always has and always will, and to believe. I struggle so badly with unbelief when I pray, and that is how the stories help me. Thanks for sharing this, it only spurs me on to keep praying knowing that there are others praying with me.
ReplyDeleteSo awesome to see you growing and pushing yourself even when it's difficult, Nicole. I struggle with belief sometimes too. It really is so good to remember which is why so many in the Old Testament would raise up a stone of remembrance to remind themselves what God had done when they became weary. They would take a large flat stone and prop it up almost like a tombstone. I need to start a log at the very least and just go back to as far as I can remember to record answered prayer.
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