Time Will Tell

As most of our friends and family know we have been on an incredible journey with our boys since we  brought them home January 1 this year.  We knew the day we applied to become an adoptive family just like the day I became pregnant that there is never a guarantee that a perfectly healthy child would be added to our home.

When we first met Joshua in October of 2012 it was so bitter sweet for a thousand reasons.  From our brief encounters with him it was obvious that he had some developmental delays.  We had no idea if it was due to major neglect, impoverished surroundings, malnourishment, abuse, trauma... no clue (I wrote in an earlier blog more of our raw emotions at that time).  Regardless, we knew God chose the two boys for us that he chose.  We didn't really feel an intense bond, but we loved them both.

So fast forward a few months after we were home.  We took Joshua to our pediatric opthamologist.  He knows the Holdridge fam well since two of our girls have had a couple of eye surgeries and unique eye issues.  Dr. Droste asked as we were leaving if we had any appointments lined up with a neurologist.  I said no, because our pediatrician didn't feel that it was necessary.  He was floored and expressed serious concern, because of Joshua's difficulty forming words, and excessive drooling.  He said he was confident that Joshua had experienced some sort of brain injury. sigh...

After a month of hassle, and doctors going back and forth...some saying he doesn't need to see a neurologist, others arguing he does, neurology wanting more info, etc, etc.  We finally got an appointment.  We loved Dr. Chillag.  He ordered an MRI.  Another month later which was this last Monday Joshua had an MRI.

Dr. told us if we didn't hear results that day to call his office.  So I called yesterday, and received vague, but discouraging news that Joshua has scar tissue on his brain likely brought on through in utero harm or trouble in delivery.   His delays are more than likely connected to that.  I asked all I could think to ask, but was kind of dumb founded too.  I guess I had this hope that if everything came back normal then it could only mean the delays are due to lack of nurture, and we have a house full of nurturers, so he would be okay.  But this info wiped out that hope for a few moments.

I told Jason, but others were present, and it felt strange to talk about it right then.  I texted our families who had been praying.  And my mom called... tears... so I shared my fears and discouragement.  She did what she does best, and spoke truth.  It does not do anyone any good to live in the "what if...".  God knew this before we did.  Joshua has made amazing progress in just the 6 months that we have had him.  He already is so active, affectionate, coordinated, animated, funny, loving and, of course naughty like a two year old is.  I wish everyone could have a mom like mine.

And then received a message from a friend "Little Joshua is in our prayers. We have to remember that MRI only gives us the facts--the TRUTH is something totally different-that we get from Jesus. Only He knows who we are and only He knows why He made us. You guys are doing an amazing job and it is God's responsibility to fill in the gaps you cannot. Mike read something to me from the Message version the other day that Paul reminded the believers that He is the God of the gaps, filling in what is lacking in our faith. I love that! The limitations we ALL have are for His glory to be shown. My sister always says that it's not the slow learners of the world who are the corporate hacks, Wall street cheaters, weapons dealers or power hungry (though they may always be hungry:) anyway just thinking about you guys today and asking the Father for His grace poured out in abundance on you. Love you all."

Today I decided to take some time to "research"... I had no idea even where to start, so I googled "scar tissue on the brain".  I quickly decided I am not going to be THAT mom.  I just called neurology...their years of education on the matter would likely get me the most accurate info:) Can I just say that I love Devos Children's Hospital?  I've had so many encounters with them since kids having a total of four surgeries plus countless appointments in the last 5 months.  Amazing place filled with amazing people.

The specialist I talked to was so compassionate saying, "You are probably wondering... And the best answer to most of your questions is 'Only time will tell'.  It's so important for you to know that this is just an MRI result, not a diagnosis.  We make our diagnosis on clinical findings, and the child's developmental progress."  I felt so much better after that conversation.

What we do know is God has so clearly called us to this journey, He chose us for our boys, and our boys for us.  He knew this was coming, and He knows what's coming.  I remember when Kami was born holding her and sitting on the floor of her room with my mom.  Through an all out sob I told my mom I was so scared for Kami's future (I had no idea developmentally, physically...anything what was going on with her).  I was afraid of so many things for her and wanted more than anything to just trade places with her or at least protect her.  And my mom said again this week like she did then, "what if's can be such a dangerous way think...sucks the joy out of the right now."  

Joshua has made so many great strides from when we met him to today.  He didn't smile, laugh, show affection, respond with joy...so much.  And now he can say some words and identify a few things.  He knows us all by name.  If he can't verbalize he will so dramatically act out what he is trying to say (hilarious).  He likes to pretend he's sleeping then just laugh hysterically at himself when he tricks us.  He loves soccer or anything that involves a ball.  He's such a lover.  He loves to be outside.  He loves new clothes and new shoes (I have no idea where he learned that!).  he loves to look at books and color.  He just loves... and we love him.

The first time we ever saw this sweet face.  Our referral picture.

happy boy!

Taking one day at a time...