I wonder what it'd be like not to be in ministry...

I grew up in ministry so it's what I know, and pretty much all I know.  I didn't just default into it as an adult.  I chose it, because I love people, I love God, and I want people to know the hope that I know, but lately I have fantasized about what it would be like to be "normal" like everyone else.  Don't read into this.  We aren't planning on going rogue or bailing... at least not yet haha.

I think the last couple of years have taken a toll on my heart.  My husband is the lead pastor of an amazing body of people.  Impact is loaded with new believers and souls that are still not sure if they are in just yet.  It's so fun and humbling to get to be a part of this Lowell, Michigan family.  We love Lowell and we love the people.

So Jason is the guy speaking on the weekends.  His week is cram packed with meetings and appointments, budgeting, organizing, communicating with leadership to make sure they know what they need to know and preparing for the weekend services.  My week is filled with taking care of our family, house, bills, and then the volunteer stuff I do at school, church and random paint projects.  But my mind is constantly crammed with thoughts and concerns for my husband and our girls.  Are the girls ok?  Do they feel loved?  What lies are being tossed around in the tender hearts?  Are they believing those lies?  What do they wonder about?  Are they telling me their fears or keeping it in?  And I find myself wondering the same questions for Jason.

I get super defensive for him, and am protective of his heart, but sometimes that can make me a little jaded.  For example, I saw a quote the other day (I'll admit it was on pinterest, the alternative to a deep and intellectual book on self-improvement)... "A bad decision on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine".  I didn't repin it on one of my boards, because I didn't want to seem snarky, but I feel this a lot.  I am a person of compassion, and I'm all about forgiveness especially when the person is admitting wrong and repentant.  I know I need forgiveness and grace... I'm a mother, and I fail.

I always think of it in these terms... When a person who is texting and driving gets in an accident and stops traffic for hours I know they were not thinking about how that one action could change the coarse of someones life forever.  Someone could've missed a major interview, someone could've missed a flight or been late to work or to pick up a kid or whatever it is.  But that one persons foolishness has all sorts of consequences that they may never know of or even care to know for that matter.

There have been times Jason gets a call or an email, and it turns our family upside down, because of another persons foolish actions.  Again, please understand, I'm a person of compassion, but the trickle effect reaches far.  It's especially hard when I know the person knows better.  It's exhausting.

"Soul-mate"...it's so true.  I feel it.  When Jason is heavy inside then I am too.  And I wish it weren't true, but our girls are too.  They see it, and feel it... Kami especially.

Then there is money.  Jason carries the finances of Impact heavily.  He tries not to, but he can't help it.  If tithing drops he knows what that means if it continues in that direction.  He's not concerned that we will have to cut back as a family, because we will, we have and God always provides, but he can't stand the idea of asking other staff members who are already sacrificing so much and giving way more than they get paid for to cut back also.  Or worse... to have to just let people go... because people hate that "all the church does is ask for money".  That's not all the church does, but the people that feel that way in my opinion are usually the ones who are overly attached to money and aren't quite on board with the movement of Christ.  I wish the church could just function without people having to give, but it's impossible.  But, honestly, it's an act of worship and an avenue that God gives us to "put some skin in the game" and to feel some ownership.

Because Jason is paid by the church, I feel like I have to explain away any and every purchase or trip even if people aren't wondering.  I had someone come up to me when I was carrying a coach bag and say, "How in the world can YOU afford that?".   It was a gift.  Or my sister turned 40 this year, and took me to Cancun to celebrate (so not fair to her to have to pay, but she wanted to), but I felt like I had to explain that to everyone not because they demanded it, but because I was afraid then people would think Jason gets overpaid... kind of like the tax payer saying to the person who qualifies for medicaid, "I'm glad I could cover your doctors visit."  in a cynical tone.

I realize I'm just talking about a few.  Not everyone is demanding to know how we afford this or that.  Not everyone is turning our family upside down when they call to meet with Jason.  But did you know we had almost 1600 people at or Easter services??  That is a lot of people to care for!!!  It's exciting and overwhelming all at the same time.  It's so hard for Jason to have to just say he can't meet with someone, but he has to sleep, our family needs him and he has so much he is responsible for he just can't please everyone...

So that right there are a few reasons why sometimes I dream about what it would be like to be a regular attender, but I can't help but think we just wouldn't be able to help ourselves to jump in and get involved, because we don't do this for the paycheck.  We do this for Jesus, for God, the one we love most and who loves us best.  Discouragement sets in every once in a while.  This is said so flippantly so often, but I know this and mean this as if it were the first time I've heard it or said it... God is so faithful and good.