Back at it

Year 23 of sending kids off to school for us. It's good to get back at it, but it's always so bittersweet for me. I love having them home with me...most of the time. I think someone could've made a ton of money on a teenage boy daycare by the way. We are ready for routine.

My boys woke up with perma-grins. Their outfits for this first day were very thoroughly thought through. We had to curb Joshua's enthusiastic look that started with spider-man slides (thanks, Unc Tim), black lounge shorts, a dressy shirt and his cowboy hat (the Aunt Kristen gift that keeps on giving. I need it to disappear). Maybe it isn't so bad that he feels guilt when he doesn't go with my suggestion. He landed on the shirt and jeans, but suppressed his guilt and went with the buzz cut. Could be worse.

We always always start the summer with great intentions: Reading a proverb every morning and writing something to gain from it. Caleb of course would find the most obscure line about the adulterous woman and land on that, but he was reading it at least. We added to that going for a walk and a few chores. All this was great until we went on vacation. Then it became sporadic. We tried.

Our summer was so rich with memories on the pure Michigan waters, too many trips to various ice cream stops, lots of family time, golfing, pickleball and fishing. If I'm being honest, though, I was dreading the summer. I felt like it was going to be full of conflict and clashing. But the growth I saw in both Caleb and Josh was so encouraging. Sure, there were days I lost it on them or they had major attitudes, etc., but the good did far outweigh the bad.

I got to hear Josh navigate sharing emotion not just in body language, but using his words. This was new. I think it started when he got to sing in the choir for church. We were listening to the set list in the car, and I looked over at him and tears were coming down his face as he sang. It lead to a sweet conversation, and can I just say that there is something so remarkable about how a kid who struggles to find words can often find better words than those of us who just speak easily. He also spent countless hours drawing, blowing my mind with his attention to detail.

And Caleb is still the big teddy bear, lap dog. I pray he never loses that tender affection. It's my favorite thing about him. He knows it because I can be so annoyed with him, but his massive hug manipulates the annoyance right out of me. He went to Lake Ann Camp with some buddies, and came back with a softer heart for Jesus. He's always been so crazy impulsive, but we've seen him stop to think more, considering others more, wanting to sit and listen. I love that we have a house full of men several nights a week with the best dad a kid can ask for, Uncle Tim and the two bother in laws that all let Caleb sit out on the deck with them, pulling him into their conversations. It's one of his favorite things right now. And his sense of humor is the best. He makes us laugh hard, which also comes in handy for him when he makes me mad...or it just gets him in more trouble. He's a work in progress.

I write this to encourage all the moms because I've needed it so many times. These are just some very simple things I've learned this summer.

-Latch onto the good. Many days are two steps forward three steps back or three steps forward one step back. But stay consistent. Don't let the terrible days or moments win and consume you.

-You can never hug enough. 

-Celebrate the wins.  We laugh at how desperate we would be grasping for some hope, so we embrace the littlest things like "wow, thank you for not arguing, and just doing the task." or "whoa, I didn't have to ask, and you just did it". 

-Be quick to apologize and admit fault.

-Teach them the value of admitting wrong, and the respect they gain from owning it. 

-Don't always step in to defend them. Teach them to do it themselves at the same time reassuring them that you've got their back.

-Don't always pad their falls. Let them fail when the consequence is recoverable. Let them feel the sting. Strength grows through resistance.

-Talk it out, but wait for the right time because often times in the moment there's just too much emotion, and we both need a second to think first.

-Stay calm. I'm so good at this (wink wink).

-Stay connected to Jesus and pray with your kids and for your kids. Even if it's just a quick prayer at night. Our boys are so used to this that even on the worst days they want to make sure we don't forget to pray at night.

-Don't compare. Comparing is just the worst. I don't think it ever leads to good.

One of my favorite things we did this summer is look up "good questions to ask my teenage son". The most recent one I did with Caleb. We walked down the driveway and back as I asked and he answered, and then he said we should do this more.  It was only about 7 minutes. Both boys love it when we ask intentional questions. It's a great thing to do at dinner and always leads to great connection.

Parenting is hands down the hardest thing I've ever had to do. One day at a time. Just focus on today. They disappoint us and we disappoint them. Grace. But so much reward.

May this school year be so rich with growth for all of us. May our kids be a light in the dark, a hug to the  hurting and a voice of truth and kindness to the unseen. May they infuse joy and peace to a generation bombarded with anxiety and depression. 

God be with them.