Weighty Whispers

Jason’s message this weekend was a bit raw. We may not want to take the time to dive into the words or lack of that have shaped us, but it’s pretty amazing how God will meet us in the lie and speak truth. It’s also so evident that the enemy is relentless.

In one of the services Jason shared something that was said to me that cut so deep, but it felt weird as he shared because the first thing I thought is “people think that I think I’m beautiful now”. Joking comments were made to me later and it is funny, especially because it’s been over 20 years and the comment was made referring to me in my early 20’s. 

I was in the hospital because my water broke way too early when I was pregnant with Tay (we brought home a 4 lb. petite baby). A very dear friend who I still admire came and stayed with me for a night (I was in a hospital for a couple of weeks an hour from home). She meant well, and I think it was so innocent, but my heart was so vulnerable in the moment. She said, “It’s funny because when I first met you I thought you were just the cute trophy wife of the youth pastor. I’m glad I took time to get to know you.” I immediately wondered how many other people thought that of me, and still do. Like do they think I’m shallow? Just the most simple passing comments along the way and through the years stuck. A friend saying he was surprised I shared a picture because it wasn’t a good picture of me. Why would he think that? So I conclude again: He thinks I’m all about image. He thinks I have no depth beyond appearance.

When we first moved to Michigan my girls were 1, 3 and 5. I loved and still do being a girl mom. Any chance I got they were decked out in bows and ruffles and cute shoes. They loved it too, but then I caught another mom rolling her eyes to another mom with a comment about all the bows. My heart dropped.

I do care about my appearance. I think that’s healthy. I’m also very aware that it can take a hard turn towards unhealthy in a moment, and I have wrestled there too. I remember coming home for break as a college student, and one of my parents friends said, “wow, you’ve filled out.” My reaction was to jump on the fat free diet band wagon the 90’s. I dropped that 15 so fast with dry bagels, grilled chicken, licorice, mountain dew and early morning step classes and walks. I know how the enemy takes a passing even innocent comment and plays it on repeat so loud that it our chest tightens. It’s all consuming. That pit in our gut moved in without being invited, and peace and joy have been stolen.

I have so many of these sorts of situations, comments embedded in my mind. Jason also shared we went to an assessment weekend in that first year at Impact. They put you into hypothetical church planting situations, do personality, gifting tests, etc. Ironically we later found out through our counselor (he was on the assessment team) that the people assessing us were less than qualified. One of the women told me that I have an underdeveloped personality. What does that even mean? That ran deep only 2 years after the trophy comment, woven in with comments from other women at the church in that season. One was on the leadership team and said to me a couple of different times, “I know what you make. How can you afford that.”, referring to a coach purse that was a gift to me, and me asking someone a question about a flatscreen TV. How I wish I could go back and speak truth to that 30 year old me.

Here’s what hit me just yesterday: I felt like I needed to quickly tell the people around me joking about it that I don’t think I’m the trophy wife, though. It was just the comment and what it made me feel that made Jason share. And, yes, Jason shared that he thinks I’m beautiful. I hope he does all the way until my dying day no matter how old, big, small or wrinkled I am. He’s good to me in always making me feel beautiful. Do I look in the mirror and think that? I’m working on that. But What if I did? Why do we scoff at women who are confident. Not arrogant. That’s repulsive, but confident, thankful. God gave this to us as a gift. Can you imagine giving someone such an amazing gift, and they always talked about what they didn’t like about it?

Josh, my 15 year old son, went to homecoming with a group of kids this last weekend. I could write a book on the things that he shares out of nowhere that feel so profound coming out of the mouth of a boy with cognitive delays. He has a 4th grade level IQ, but the simple mind of his is what I believe Jesus was referring to when he talks about childlike faith. Just out of nowhere Josh said, “I like Ella’s confidence.” Ella, is also in the transition program with him. I wasn’t sure he really knew what that meant. So I asked what her confidence looked like. He said, “Well, she struggles with her words sometimes like I do, but she doesn’t care, and keeps trying to say what she’s trying to say.” I wish we could all have that—the kind of confidence that even if it’s an area we wrestle with we just can smile through it, but because we have more cognitive awareness we consider what other people might be feeling or thinking and become insecure.

I had a friend years ago share that her dad used to always introduce her as his “beautiful daughter”. She was and still is stunning. He was proud of that. But it’s interesting that she started feeling like that’s all he valued in her. He wasn’t wrong to say that. In fact, girls need to hear that from their dads. I think she just wanted to hear what he thought about who she is. Just a week ago on Kami’s wedding day my dad complimented how I looked. It meant the world. Not because image is everything, but it just did because he’s my dad. But my dad has also been good to tell me that he’s proud of me, and that I’m a good mom.

The thing is the enemy often whispers all sorts of lies from some of the best moments. Are we going to listen? It blows my mind how I can one day be perfectly content in who I am from the inside out, and literally in a moment a slight shift from me glancing up and the enemy whispers, “you’ll never be enough”, “stay in the shadow”, “you’re boring”, “you’re shallow”, “you’re annoying”…I have to for the sake of my own heart, mind, my family, the people I encounter-I have to fill my mind with God’s truth-His absolute unchanging truth if I’m not going to let those whispers settle into my heart. And it’s so hard. Satan will not just whisper those things. He will then try to lay out the reasons why I should feel terrible about myself. But here is my prayer, and it is constant on some days: “God, what’s true? Lead me to that. What’s the lie? Expose it. I’m listening. Speak. Speak in words, in pictures, in thoughts, in touch. Share your heart, and push out the dark.” I pray this for my kids, my husband, and I’ve started praying it for my dad, his wife, my nieces and nephews, my siblings and their spouses. We need to believe God when he tells us we are so perfectly made in his image for his glory with a purpose. He has a daily, moment to moment purpose for each of us, and the enemy is on a mission to pull us away from that.

P.S. Our words and even facial expression to others carry so much weight. In considering the words that have hurt me along the way I have to be so careful of my words to the stranger, to the server, to my kids, my husband, my kids coaches and teachers. No one ever has received too many smiles or words of life.